May 28, 1999 Giant Pastry Explodes Over Get Together Hartford, CT — A lovely backyard get together at the home of Mrs. Lydia Wharton of suburban Hickoryfield was interrupted by an unexpected event last night. A giant lump of raisin-studded fried dough exploded in the crisp evening air, showering Mrs. Wharton and her guests with chunks of the sticky confection. A group calling itself Oliebollen for All claimed responsibility for the attack. This radical group is best known for its recently failed campaign to make the Dutch style donuts America's National Snack. Police are investigating the incident. No arrests have been made. New In Print:   Lean Times in the Cretaceous Period: The True Story of Barney's Early Years. In his own heart-wrenching account, Barney, the megastar of children's TV, recalls lean times growing up in the world-changing climatic upheaval that occurred at the close of the Creataceous Period. No leaves. No grass. No PB & J. Nothing. Just a cold, hard cave to huddle in with his not too happy kin waiting for the evolution of the TV Producer who would save him from starvation and obscurity. You'll never look at Barney the same way again. OLIEBABY THREATENS TO WALK The infantile spokesmodel for new Internet store Oliebollen.com appears ready to walk in a contract dispute with the PARENT Company over what are said to be “creative differences”. With the site's launch in full swing, the timing couldn't be worse. Officials of the PARENT Company, which has sunk hundreds into promotions featuring the suddenly in-demand ingenue, are livid. “We fed her, we clothed her, we gave her great stuff to play with, and now when it's time to do her job, she says she's 'considering her options'” According to Oliebaby's agent, these options may include chucking the pacifier and taking her first wobbly steps over to Walmart. Through her spokesperson, Oliebaby defended her actions, stating. “All I'm asking for is a few dozen chocolate-dipped pacifiers and a cameo on Party of Five. Geeez!” The PARENT Company believes it's current contract is iron clad. When asked about the Walmart rumors, a company spokesperson replied “If they want her, they'll have to pay big.” Walmart had no comment except to ask, “Olie who?”   Parenting Headlines: New Research Confirms Third Graders Taller than Second Graders. Four Year Old Refuses to Believe It's Bedtime. Surgeon General Issues New Warning: Some Children May Never Grow Up. TV Neighbor Changes Name to Unpronounceable Symbol Yesterday was a beautiful day for everyone's favorite neighbor when plans to change his name to an unpronounceable symbol were formally announced. Feeling stagnated after 20 years of the same old, same old, the beloved Mr. R said simply “It's time for a change.” Anticipating much age-appropriate resistance from his primary audience of toddlers and preschoolers, he plans to introduce the concept slowly and gently over the course of 5 new episodes focusing on the consonants N F K M R. Also planned are a number of licensed tie-in products to promote the symbol along with the recently trademarked NFKMR logo. The Neighbor Formerly Known as Mr. Rogers is also said to be considering permanently hanging up his well-worn cardigan in favor of a rad hooded sweatshirt, and was recently spotted down at the local Payless eyeing a pair of Air Jordans. Industry insiders predict that the transformation of this beloved icon has only just begun. The Symbol's resemblance to a stick figure drawing is unintentional according to NFKMR's spokesperson.   Ask Uncle Slemp! Dear Uncle Slemp: Our baby is 18 months old and not yet talking. Is this unusual? Mitzi and Bob Dear Mitzi and Bob: For the offspring of slow learners like you two, Mitzi and Bob, the answer is, no, not at all. Myself, I was talking before I even left the womb. No one had to tell me this was true. (To this day no one has.) But I remember it all very clearly. My mother and I were at the butcher shop ordering meat for our dinner. When she asked the butcher for some beef liver to supplement her gestating golden boy's iron intake, I just couldn't remain silent. After a few light taps to the uterine wall went unheeded, I gave it all I had and hollered, “No way, mom! Organ meats are gross!” We've both been vegetarians ever since. About Uncle Slemp Alvin “Uncle” Slemp has been advising parents on how to raise children since the day he was born. Having no children of his own, nor anyone willing to claim him as their uncle, Mr. Slemp never-the-less feels more than qualified to respond to parents' pleas for guidance. Moreover, by forgoing any formal education or training, Uncle Slemp has cleverly avoided any scientific evaluation of his theories. He could probably use a good attorney, though. Send your questions to Uncle Slemp at uncleslemp@oliebollen.com. ®1999 Oliebollen LLC All rights reserved.